Several people posted questions similar to this, I love my spouse and my lover, what should I do? If you read my blog, you know I am just straight up. So here’s the deal what did you vow to at the altar? That’s the bottom line. You either meant your vows or you didn’t. I truly don’t believe that anyone would stand before altar or before a justice of the peace and include in their vows that I promise to love honor cherish etc. you and another person if I so desire.

If you are going to do a marriage God’s way then his rules are simple - male/female/monogonous. Recently I heard a debate that the bible is doublesided when it comes to marriage because many of the great leaders in the bible had affairs and multiple marriages and because of this monogomy should not by exalted. But the thing is God allows choice. We choose what we want to do. Just because some of the spiritual leaders did not follow God’s order, it still does not alter the fact that God has a specific order to marriage. God will allow you to do whatever you want, but it still does not mean that he will not instruct you on his best way of doing things. There is a reason that he set it up the way that he did. We have every right to accept it or reject it. But we have to be willing to live with the consequences of our choice.

Maybe you should ask yourself what your lover does better than your spouse. Then ask your spouse to do those things. You just might find out very quickly that you don’t need a lover, you just need a more attentive spouse in specific areas of personal need.

Someone inquired about what to do when you are a newly wed and are having intimacy problems. Here is something to consider. Intimacy is just as much mental as physical. So how are you mentally when it comes to being together. A lot of times our upbringing, possible physical abuse or trauma, lack of confidence, non acceptance of our body weight, shape or size all contribute to having intimacy issues. Another thing is what you perceive that your spouse thinks about you. If that makes you uncomfortable it can also create problems. One more thing is what you are asked to do for performance. For example if your spouse is into risque habits or pornography this can highly contribute to not desiring intimacy. Then there could be medical reasons or physical problems that cause pain, both would contribute to lack of desire. So do a lot of brainstorming to see what is triggering this and then as you narrow things down discuss it with your spouse and let them know these are very sensitive issues and you need their respect and support. Follow this up with a medical exam or a visit to a gynocologist. Then get God involved through prayer. He is 100% for excellence in sexuality and more than willing to adjust mind, heart and soul to bring blessings to that part of your marriage. Since intimacy is so important to bonding in a relationship, you really need to work diligently to get this resolved even if it means going to therapy as a couple.

Now what is God’s perspective in terms of how long sexualtiy should be enjoyed in a marriage. Abraham had a child at 100 without Viagra. Then after his wife Sara died he remarried Ketura and had I believe six more kids after age 100. If you need any other help I would highly recommend reading my book Better Life, Better Love, Better Sex which can be downloaded at mvpmedia1.com/lifeinspired. It is loaded with great information on what God says about love and marriage. Also visit my About page for numerous resources on the subject. God really wants you to have the best relationship possible. Don’t give up. Let him help you.

You know that your marriage is on it’s way to a funeral when you wake up in the morning and wish your spouse would disappear and when you go to bed at night you act like they don’t exist. This cycle seems to never end and your days are just obligation to a vow and fear of ending it. The question is why do you keep hurting each other? Why do you waste time at each other’s throat? What is keeping you tied into misery?

Life is full of choices and if you keep doing the same thing, you will always get what you always got. One person said recently that when women get married they never get what they expected and that men never expect what they get. So what’s the solution? Figure out what you want and then get it. Because as long as you are on different pages you will keep hurting each other. It takes work to get on the same page, but if you truly want a marriage you have to do it.

Here are some things that keep people on different pages:
1. You expect a person to complete you and when they don’t the disappointment ruins the marriage.
2. You thought your spouse was one thing and they turned out to be another.
3. You are a very needy person and your spouse does not know how to relate to you.
4. You are a very selfish person and your spouse does not know how to relate to you.
5. You do not do what you say.
6. You expect a lot but give very little.
7. You want to give but you’ve been hurt so many times that you can’t.
8. You’ve got issues from childhood or bad family matters and they have never been resolved.
9. You fear vulnerability.
10. You have issues that keep you from being intimate.

So what do you do when you find out you have things keeping your pages separate? You must attack each issue. Write it down to get it out of your system, present it to your spouse and then little by little begin to build a relationship by addressing the issues. What do you need that your spouse doesn’t know about? What do you want that your spouse does not know? How much help do you really need in day to day matters that you’ve never expressed. Communications brings healing. Just begin so that you can stop hurting each other. Then one day when you go to bed you will find yourselves at least holding hands and that will be the beginning of a restored relationship. Don’t give up, just give in to each other.

1. Take the “Now that I have them I don’t have to do anything approach” - I used to think that type of attitude was only a cliche until a man actually told me that about his wife.
2. Fight and argue over dumb stuff - in marriage everything should not be an issue.
3. Never trust their mate.
4. Tell their friends and family all their problems but never bring it up to the spouse.
5. Be rude to each other.
6. Say you won’t cheat anymore and then go back and do it. A man I knew did this. His wife got in her Mercedes and ran over him repeatedly because of it. He’s dead, she’s in jail. Stop it or end the marriage before somebody snaps.
7. Tell your spouse you are going to take care of certain things then never do it.
8. Live a double life.
9. Blame everything on their spouse and take no responsibility for their actions.
10. Never admit to being wrong and say they are sorry.

It takes more energy to hate than to love and love is so much more liberating. So how do you start loving them when they really are a dog?

I sat here thinking about the two most popular articles on my blog, they are I can’ stand my husband and does my husband love me. Between the two they have been read 3,163 times and counting - that’s a lot of people. So I thought if a person really hates their husband, but really doesn’t want to leave them then what is the quickest solution…This is what I came up with, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND. You can’t hate and love at the same time. So just shift emotions and decide he’s worth loving.

The Bible says when you treat someone the best, when they treat you the worst, emotionally it will be like putting burning coals on their head. Now I am not talking about abusive or life threatening situations, you need to put some serious distance between you and the abuser and maybe even divorce them. I’m talking about the people that have just gotten to the point of frustration and really can’t stand their husband, but still deep inside really love them.

It takes more energy to hate than to love and love is so much more liberating. So how do you start loving them when they really are a dog? Talk to God and ask him to give you the supernatural strength to love them unconditionally. He will do it.

I remember one time when I was growing up, I realized that I hated my pastor because of some things he had done to me personally and other members of my church. That is the only person in my life that I can actually say that I hated. When I got grown it still bugged me, so I took it to God. I said you know I hate him, but I still love my church what am I suppossed to do? He told me so clearly, love him anyway. I said God but you know all the stuff he has done and he said, but if you don’t want to hate him, you have to love him. So I said how? God told me to pray for him and to end my prayer with, “and I love my pastor.”

At first I could not do it. Matter of fact I could not even call his name to pray for him. I had to take that to God too. I said God I can’t even call his name, and God told me then say him. So I started praying. I pray for him and I love him. This went on for about a year. Then finally one day as I was praying I said, I pray for Pastor ___________ and I love Pastor ____________. When I heard myself pray those words I knew my healing had really begun. It got easier and easier every day to pray for him. First it went from mechanical to really feeling it. I was so happy that God had given me the breakthrough.

Well, several years later. My pastor called me and we had some airing out of grievances. I don’t think he knew at the time how much he had offened me. But by the end of the conversation all was cleared. From that point on we had a great relationship and about three years after that he got very sick and died. I thank God that he restored our relationship before he got sick. During the time he was sick he knew I was praying for him. The last time that I saw him was when I went back to my hometown and visited the church and he let everyone know how much he loved me. I never saw him again, but was so greatful to have listened to God’s advice. When you hate someone, you have to love them if you want the relationship restored.

1. Tell friends your business
2. Listen to advise from single people
3. Allow your inlaws free reign
4. Complain all the time
5. Not support your husband
6. Not honor your wife
7. Tell your spouse too many times I don’t need you
8. Withold sex and affection
9. Lie
10. Hear but not listen

Even though your morning may not have been productive, there is still much you can accomplish in the afternoon. Even though you’ve suffered some setbacks, there are still plenty of options for moving forward.
Even though you may disagree with what someone has to say, you can benefit greatly from understanding that person’s point of view. Even though you find yourself in difficult and challenging circumstances, there is much value for you to create.
Even though you may feel like quitting, you have what it takes to keep going. Even though the goal seems far away, every step brings you closer.
Even though there are plenty of reasons for you to feel sorry for yourself, you can choose instead to renew your determination and enthusiasm. Even though your path is filled with obstacles, you can truly enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes from successfully moving beyond each one.
Even though darkness may at times surround you, your light can shine more brightly than ever. Even though you may occasionally grow weary, there’s always a way to renew and re-energize yourself.
Even though the road has its twists and turns, the journey is worth the effort. Keep going, keep growing, keep learning and loving and living with all the richness your precious life deserves.

– Ralph Marston

One of the best ways to have a great relationship is to jointly set expectations. When you establish expectations at the same time you have the opportunity to make sure you are one one accord. Here is an example of how things work when you are not on one accord. Your spouse may say, go get the pen. But what did you hear? Did you think pen as in P.I.N. number, pen as in inkpen, pen as in a piece of jewlery, pen as a safety pin, or pen as a stick pin. You could bring back either of these and be technically correct but did you meet their expectation, no. They were thinking about the child’s portable play pen. They were thinking one thing and you were thinking something else. Therefore it is very important to sit down and communicate expectations and define those expectations. The more clearly they are defined the happier your relationship will be long term.

Be very specific. Doing this during your dating period would probably be the optimal time for this type of discussion. But if you missed that, start today and set some realistic things that you know will help you to establish a great relationship. An easy way to start this type conversation is to break up expectations into - I need…, I want…Things I don’t do… and Things that drive me up the wall. Then discuss how you can both blend those lists, set goals for the relationship and spend a lifetime doing that.

1. Has he or she ever hit you or attempted to do so?
2. Have you ever caught them in web of deceit or lying?
3. Do they make excuses as to why you can’t meet their family or children?
4. Have you ever heard their close friends or associates utter anything derrogatory about them?
5. There is absolutely no spark and no hope of becoming a spark?
6. You know the reason that you are in the relationship is because you don’t want to be alone.
7. You are rebounding.
8. They do things that give you a check but you keep ignoring it.
9. They are not trustworthy and do not keep committments.
10. Lots of sex but not building of the relationship and developing interests.

Someone asked, why does God want us to be stuck in a bad marriage? God does not want you stuck in a bad marriage, he wants you and your spouse to let him fix it. He really does hate divorce because of the pain it causes humanity and the instability it brings to families but he does not hate or condemn the person that gets a divorce.

This is just my opinion, but the problem in society today is that God has been cast down and Christian principals and values are tossed out as being antiquated, condemning and puritanical. That is because a lot of Christians have portrayed a poor image and of God. And people say, if God is like that I don’t want any part of it. So when people face horrific storms in life and serious relationship issues they don’t understand how to relate to God because they think he is going to condemn or judge them because of the issues they are facing. But that is far from the truth. Never judge Christianity by Christians, judge by what the Bible says and you will find a loving God that is concerned with all of our pain and difficulities including hellish marriages that people are in every single day.

The truth is, all you have to do is talk to him like you talk to someone on the phone and he will answer. Give him all of your hurt, all the pain you suffered in the marriage and tell him, I can’t handle this - help me fix it or get me out of it. He will do it. He designed marriage to be a blessing, full of benefits and the bounty of having children. If your marriage is anything short of that it is not on the path that God designed for it, but he can help you to get on track over time. Read my post Love Me Like You Used To. It will give your more information on this subject.