I had this unnerving feeling in the pit of my stomach as my father’s casket was carted past me. But that feeling could not begin to top the next surge of emotions that overwhelmed me from the very back row of the church. His wife, for whatever reason glanced over to where I was standing and began starring at me. I saw her face go flush and then she said, “Russle” and started to collaspe. Family members quickly grabbed her thinking she was overwhelmed by grief. But I knew what it was and went to make a quick exist when she beckoned to one of the ushers to not let me go. After the funeral possession had passed and dad’s body was placed in the hearse, she came back to the church, handed me a sheet of paper with directions scribbled on it and said, “Can you meet me tomorrow at 5?” At which I agreed.

I could not sleep that night knowing that for the first time in my 21 year old life, I was finally going to experience a part of my dad’s world that I had never been a part of. I had never met his wife, or any of my three half sibblings though I did know about them. I always wondered if any of them knew I existed. This was going to be quite interesting. But one thing for sure, his wife was very shrewd in that she immediately recognized my striking resemblence to her husband Russle. So the next day I made my way over to 5701 Riviera Lane and was absolutely shocked at the luxury I beheld. The home had to be at least 4,000 square feet sitting on two acres of the most elaborately manicured lawn I had ever seen. My mom’s meager apartment was poverty compared to this extravagance.

For just a moment I felt myself getting very angry, to the point of wanting to drive away, but I continued up the spiraling driveway, parked the car and rang the bell. His wife opened the door and graciously invited me in. She was a very tall, facially made up and beautiful woman, nothing like my mother who barely wore lipstick. She was obviously well kept, dressed in finery and was wearing a very expensive perfume. The rings on her fingers were worth a mint. My mom looked worn and her regular gob was a pair of jeans and a T-shirt when she wasn’t in her nurses assistant uniform. How did these worlds collide? As we walked towards the study the heels of my shoes echoed on marbled floors. There were Greek columns and elaborate furnishing that were perfectly aligned as if done by an interior designer. Finally we reached the study.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” “No ma’am” I replied. For a moment there was a bit of silence. “I am Elise Hillerman, and you must be Erica.” I could see in her face that this was a very difficult moment for her. “Yes.” “Right before Russle passed he gave me this envelop and said give it to Erica. When I asked him who Erica was he said he could not talk about it, but he did say that she was a very close associate of his and if she contacts you at any point give her the envelop.” She placed the envelop in my hand and continued speaking. “When I saw you at the funeral and you looked so amazingly like Russle all of the pieces came together. The cash withdrawls that Russle often made saying that they were for his mother. But when she died and he continued making withdrawals I knew it either had to be a woman or gambling, but I never thought it was a child until I saw you yesterday. It has been very difficult for me to live in your shadow because all these years I thought he was having and affair, was he – does he have more children?” By this time she was trembling.

I almost wish she had known more about me. How could I explain all of this? How could I explain my own emotions? She felt as if she was living in the shadows of another woman and I lived a life feeling cheated, robbed of a meaningful relationship. “My father was pretty much with my mom off and on until I was about ten.” She hung her head and I saw tears streaming down her face. Oh God, how can I make this more bearable for her. “I mean they weren’t in a relationship so to speak, he just came by on birthdays and different occassions. Whenever he came he would bring us money. My mom had three other kids but they we all have different fathers. The only other children he mentioned to me were yours. After I was ten the visits got less and less until finally one day he just started mailing money or he would call me and say I know your tutition is due would you meet me here or there.”

“Did you know much about us?” “Not a whole lot, he just told me I had sibblings. He made a joke about it and said I really don’t want you to marry one of your brothers. How many sons do you have? “Two sons and one daughter. This is pretty awkward isn’t it?” She laughed trying to muster up a smile through the tears. ” I guess what really bothers me is knowing that he was sleeping with another woman for almost ten years, and though I felt in my heart, I never confronted him and he did a good job separating his two lives. You will never know how degrading it is for a woman who is doing her best to keep her home and her man together to be in competiton with another woman, and then that woman has your husbands child. I can not begin to express what is going on inside of me right now.”

“I know, I am 21 and all my life all I ever wanted was a real father. I wanted my dad to be there for me. I wanted to wake up with a father in our home. I wanted to go to bed at night knowing he was there. When I look at all of this, I am hurt and bitter. We lived in a three bedroom apartment and his other family lived in a mansion. I really hate my father right now. He thought that money would solve everything, but it didn’t. I know I am fortunate that at least he did take care of me, but now I wonder about all the other kids whose fathers did nothing but to sire them.”

“And you said you are 21 – my daughter is 21.” The room became deadly silent. “You know what Erica, Russle is dead and the heartbreak that he has left in your life and mine is buried with him. I loved my husband and he was a good man and I know you know that, so as painful as this is for me, I want you to know that I am here for you. Since I have finally met the shadow, I am not going to let it cause me any further pain. We are both going to need some time to heal, but after that I want you to meet your family and let’s see what kind of relationship we can build after all of this mess.” “Mrs. Hillerman, you don’t have to do that. My mom and I have always been okay, and I just accepted the fact that this is the best we would get based on the circumstances.” “No, Erica, I really want us to find some beauty in our ashes. Would you be willing to at least try?” I took at deep look at her and knew she needed this to get her life back on track. “Okay, I will, I really will.”

Shortly after she walked over to me and gave me a hug. “Thank you.” she said. I then turned and left. As I drove away, I really did not know what to make of the entire situation. It was intensely overwhelming, but one thing for sure I am so glad it happened. Not only will I eventually begin to get closure for my personal life, but a breached relationship with my other family can potentially have some beneficial blending and if things don’t work out at least I got questions answered about my fathers other life that I always wanted to know. And you know what, she was right, he was a good man, he just made some very bad choices. But even in that some good came out of it, because I am here.