My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me

July 27, 2007 lifeis2good

Husbands suffer in silence a lot. Wanting to express how they really feel but at the same time not really wanting to hurt their wife’s feeling. So instead of confrontation they just begin to say, she just doesn’t understand me. As this lack of communication continues the marriage just drifts further apart. I mean, what’s the use in talking if she doesn’t understand me. Well unless you are speaking Greek and she is speaking Swahili, and neither one of you are deaf – she can understand you, but you’ve got to break it down so that she receives what you are trying to say. AND yelling about it AND storming in and out AND giving the silent treatment AND slamming the door is not and I say again IS NOT going to help one thing. Matter of fact it will probably make it worse.

Here is a tip that I got when I went through marriage counseling many moons ago and I thank the good Lord for not only allowing to go through marriage counseling when we were engaged, but also that we applied the wisdom given. Here is what the pastor told us to get around the “doesn’t understand me thing”, he said find something they can identify with and then work your story, speach, whatever around that. For example if he is into sports make the story that you need to talk to them about sports related and then go for the zinger. Like, and you know how you got frustrated when the Mavericks didn’t win, well that’s how I feel when you stop talking to me – I just get frustrated. Or if she’s really into cooking then, remember the time you put too much salt on the roast and I didn’t complain about it, we just went out to dinner, sometimes I wish you would just forgive me like that. This might sound simple or even silly but it works. The reason it works is because you strike a cord of compassion, you have entered their way of thinking and this increases their understanding of your need.

But this takes work because you are going to have to carefully construct your story. This is going to make you think and not just fly off the handle which will be absolutely good for your marriage. And if you really don’t know what makes your wife tick, then you will never be able to do this. That is why God is big on husband and wives getting to know each other. My husband knows me like his own reflection in the mirror and I love watching him try to learn more about me everyday. We are constantly learning about each other and it’s been 20 wonderful years.

If God has blessed you with a spouse he expects you to compliment each other. If he’s tick, then I’m tock and the beat is supposed to go on and on and on, in harmony, in balance and in unity. In reality one of the biggest things that can stop you from communicating and getting understanding is being selfish. But when you really want to resolve something you will and I say again, YOU WILL work at it.

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9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. medaphor  |  February 17, 2008 at 4:37 am

    what about when your wife honestly cannot conversate with you about most of the things you enjoy, like even talking about Your ADD an the recent news you found out about it an how it strikes home with you, Or she seems to always be upset at you, when you honestly try.

    I dunno what im doing wrong, Im a very deep an passionate guy, a visual thinker rather then a verbal. i can talk about her mommy groups an her future goals in making a lil shop that sell clothes she makes.

    She just seems to wannna give up rather then work on things, an my stomach in always in knots becuz of this constant unpleasantness. Where or What does one do to fix this? Im honestly at a loss and feel we arent meant for each other.

  • 2. lifeis2good  |  February 18, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    Does your wife know that you feel she is not able to communicate with you? Sometimes people do things that cause us great frustration but they never knew they were doing it. Does she know how daily communications is very important to you and have you asked her to pitch in – in that area. Another thought is what things do you have in common that you can build upon? I believe there is hope for any marriage as long as you want a marriage. I have a lot of resources on my about page perhaps something from there will strike your attention. Hang in there. One of the resources on the page is from 3ABN pastorial department calling them may be a good place to start.

  • 3. lostami  |  October 24, 2009 at 7:50 am

    If she listens, things may work out. But if not? How does a husband change the perceptions the wife has and keeps hanging onto and does not want to change? Communication is indeed very important but how does a husband communicate with an unwilling party?

  • 4. lifeis2good  |  October 28, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    I believe in divine intervention. You can pray and ask God to help your wife become receptive so that you are in a position to communicate. You can also ask God to create an environment to cause her to see the need for communications. Finally you can ask God to allow the truth that you are living in life to outshine her perceptions so that she will know you for who you are and not who she perceives you to be. God does answer prayer. I would also recommend calling 3ABN Pastorial Department for help and resources. See my about page for details.

  • 5. pkrme  |  July 30, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Well just got here thru google search. I must say that I never had an idea that things could be this simple to start.

    Thought relationship with my wife is a hopeless situation and I will have to carry on with the burden all my life. But ur post just gave an idea to make things work.

    Will be buying something she always dreams about and will get my heart felt feelings out.

    Fingers crossed, If she doesn’t understands still I hope I have the energy to see my world getting torn away as I have already tried many times but this time I would be as detailed as possible (of course I’m assuming she lends me the ear)

    thx lifeis2good for giving me hope.

    • 6. lifeis2good  |  August 5, 2010 at 12:51 am

      Thank you so much for writing, you keep your fingers crossed and I will fold mine together in prayer. I just believe God is big enough and willing enough to help you work this out. May the Lord bless your relationship and give you wisdom and guidance on this very important step in building your relationship!!! Good happens!!!

  • 7. fallenhopeless  |  January 25, 2012 at 11:48 am

    I’m on the verge of getting papers ready, that or kill myself. Story goes: It was new years we both went to my parents house, she was tired and wanted to leave. Everyone ask us to see for a bit longer so she went home first and I stayed. When I got home she locked me out of the house. I slept at a hotel and didn’t go to work. Went over to her parents house and I act like nothing had happen. Or bring the subject up, I really wanted to but I choose not too. When we both got home, I told her how I felt being locked out and should not be treated this way. She didn’t care and told me I should have went home with her. We started to yell, she broke dishes, remote, ripped my chain, and hit me. So I called her parents (which made things worst), you tell me is this worth keeping? Am I stumbling on your post is faith?

    • 8. lifeis2good  |  January 30, 2012 at 7:13 am

      I don’t believe in stumbling on things. I believe that God set up these “divine appointments” and that nothing is by accident. I believe he led you to this post for a reason and you have to really search your heart to see why. Please do not kill yourself. I would truly hurt those that really love you and it will not serve you any purpose. Life is too precious to give up on it. When your circumstances improve you will be so very happy to be alive. Never make a bad permanent decision on a bad day. Wait til the clouds blow over and you can think things through better. All troubles pass. Hang in there.

      You and your wife should seek counseling. If you did not still have love for her you would not have reached out in your message. If you both of you want the marriage to work, there is very good probability for recovery. There are excellent resources on my about page for counseling.

      Know this, prayer changes things. I would encourage you to say to God if you are real and all powerful, help me fix my marriage and see what he will do. May the Lord bless you and keep you. Amen.

    • 9. lifeis2good  |  January 30, 2012 at 7:14 am

      Thanks for writing. I left a message for you on the wordpress page.


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