I Hate My Wife

I’ve had quite a bit of buzz lately about husbands hating their wives. So let’s make sure it is really hate. The definition of hate is to dislike strongly, to bear malice, to detest, enmity and ill will.  If that describes your relationship then you really are in trouble. BUT if it does not, perhaps you just extremely dislike their ways and not them.  A part of loves them but you can’t stand their attitude, actions and ways. If you are in the first situation your marriage could possibly survive if you took a cooling off period as in separate for a while. Hopefuly this can help the two of you resolve things, otherwise you will more than likely end up in divorce court. If it is the second situation then kind, but dead honest communications may resolve the entire situation over time. But you have to determine if you really want the reltionship to survive. Because if you do, it can. But if you are really just looking for a way out, then its over.

You might need to go back and STUDY your marriage vows. It includes putting up with stuff – good times, bad times and everything in the middle. It includes mutual respect and treating each other with care and concern. It includes commitment, dedication, devotion and physical fidelity. It includes submitting to one another and being willing to weather the storms of life. It is only suppose to end by natural death.

I can tell you what I’ve learned over the years – men don’t like to talk a lot and they don’t like to express their emotions. Then when they finally do it is an explosion which took years and years to build. The wife gets the impact of it one day when you either go off, leave out with another woman, or bring home divorce papers.  She’s reeling not knowing things we so very bad. Then she pleads for the relationship to remain in tack, but in your mind the relationship was over ten years ago she just never knew it.

In that case you have just violated all of God’s wisdom and insight into marriage. It is your fault for not being open, learning how to communicate with sensitivity and love. It is her fault for being too busy not to notice your feelings, to presumptuous to take concern and not sensitive enough to know you were hurting.  Now if you REALLY want your relationship this is what I would do, I would repent. See my post Love Jesus Hate My Marriage and it will give an example of what to do. Then I would open up some serious dialog between you and your spouse, air things out then bury the old relationship and start a new one together. See my post I Feel Like My Marriage is Dead.  When you bury that old relationship never speak of it again. Start a new one, go back to where you once love each other and devote yourselves to falling in love again. Depending on how much how have damaged each other that could take a lot of work.

Each of know where you blew it if you are really honest. Each of you know this just didn’t happen. Each of you also know the true you. So come clean and hit the reset button. God already told you how much love you are supposed to have for your wife and express to her. He said love her as much as I love the church and be willing to die for her. That is deep, unconditional and powerful.

God already told you how much time to spend with your wife. He said devote the first year of your marriage to intensely getting to know each other emotionally, physically and spiritually and for the rest of your marriage he said cleave to her. That means stay in pursuit of her, learn more about her every day, spend time figuring out what makes her tick and continue doing this until one of you dies.

God already told you how to handle intimacy to keep other women out of your bed. First he said don’t defile your bed period. That includes other women and pornographic or other over sexually stimulating activities. Then one of the first commands he ever made was to be fruitful and multiply. He did not say just to multiply. He said be fruitful that means enjoy each other often and he put no limits on age. Sarah in the Bible had a child at 90. She laughed at God when he said I want you to restore your sex life. But she and Abraham both obeyed and they had a child at her 90 and his 100.  However they were both in good health. So the message is keep yourself fit and drink water out of your own cistern. That means I gave you a well, drink from that one.

God already told you how to raise your kids – give them love, respect, don’t anger them to the point where they will despise you and keep them well disciplined and he advised not to spare the rod. Finally God gave this wisdom if you love each other, take care of each other, help the other when in need and even if they don’t ask. That falls under dwell together according to knowledge.

So the bottom line is, do you want a marriage? If so do things to turn the situation around. If you loved your wife once you can do it again. Bury that damaged marriage, it can’t be restored. You spent too much time bashing the life out of it. Start over and start paying attention to each other, become friends again, forgive each other. Then you will get your marriage back.

See my About page – lot’s of great resources there.

Add a comment October 31, 2008

When Life Happens

Whatever may come

Life throws many challenges at you. And you always can respond in a positive, effective way. It is wise to plan for the future and to prepare for the future. Yet there is no need to worry about the future. Because whatever the future may bring, you will find an answer for it. Whatever events may transpire, you can craft a powerful and successful response that will move your life forward. It may indeed be very difficult. And in transcending that difficulty, you have the opportunity to find great fulfillment. Dream big dreams that resonate perfectly with who you are, and know that you will reach them. For whatever may come, you can make it work for you.

Add a comment October 31, 2008

I Hate Lying About The Other Woman

To the person that wrote I hate lying about the other woman, you are at the best place possible. Don’t be down on yourself. If you hate that you are lying chances are you are in a better position to decide what to do. It is only when you get tired of something that you finally step out and make that change. Do some soul searching and ask yourself if you are at a point where you are tired of hurting your wife. Because even if you think she does not know, she probably already does know but it is killing her to think about it or talk about to anyone. I believe that realtionships are worth saving. If somewhere in your heart you feel that you still love your wife, but you both clash and have too many challenges get some counseling, be willing to be honest with each other and try to restore things. Read my post Save Your Marriage in Three Words. There is also a lot of help on my About Page. But above all don’t rob each of you of a peaceful, stable, sound and healthy relationship. As long as there are three people involved you will never have a truly peaceful and guilt free sitaution.

Add a comment October 29, 2008

Newly Wed and Not a Clue

It seems to me that there ought to be a newly wed manual. Over the years I’ve been asked some amazing questions concerning starting out in married life. So today I decided to write about the top 5 issues…

1. He’s changed.

Nope not really, its just that living with someone reveals a whole lot more. I’ve known people to want to end it after 6 months, but that is really just the beginning. Go ahead and allow yourself to go through the reality shock and then work on building a relationship on what you have. Because if you really, really think about it you more than likely still love the person but hate the habits that you now know are a part of them. So address the habits through communications and build on the love that you still have. 

2. We fight over money and spending.

Stop fighting and come up with a plan. Some households work better with her money his money, others work better with our money. Let the person who handles money better take care of household accounting. Let the person that saves the best do their thing. Set spending limits so that there are no unexpected expenses like if you purchase anything over $75 let me know. Live below your income and much as possible and save consistently.

3. Not Enough Sex v/s Too Much Sex

Communicate with your spouse and tell them kindly and with respect what your needs are and be willing to work together to bring about unity in that area. The Bible says come toghether often to avoid the temptation of extramarital affairs. But you have to communicate to decide what often should be for you.

4. We’ve got in law problems.

When you get married biblical wisdom is to keep people out of your relationship. You are called to cleave to each other and leave mother and father. You have to find a way to tactfully and in a loving manner say thank you for your support, but we need to figure this out ourselves. There will be sometimes when you do need their help but this should be the exception rather than the norm. Some people will have to set limits with family. This will probably be difficult at first but if you start off on the right foot it will be a blessing later on.

5. My spouse spends to much time with friends. 

The bible says that God want to make 2 people one. That will be impossible to do if you are ALWAYS spending time with someone else. You will eventually be one with that other person and you and your spouse will be divided. The newly wed relationship was so important to God that in the old testament it was expected that a man spend one solid year just getting to know his wife, no outside influence and he could not even be called into military duty. That’s pretty serious. He was supposed to provide a home for his bride and get to know every part of her spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I think God is pretty smart. Limit your relationships and give the most quality time to your spouse so that you have a great foundation.

Add a comment October 28, 2008

Semon in the Storm (Part 2)

Another very valuable lesson that I learned through the hurricane once it began was not to listen to the wind. The sound of hurricane force winds is utterly nerve wrecking and your home feels pressurized. If you focus on the wind it will make you think which gust is going to blow the window in or pull the door off it’s hinges. One of my friends home that was severly damaged described how the force pulled two supporting walls leaving a sizeable opening while they were still inside. Frightening to say the least. But they and the house did survive though she had much water damage.

We found confort through prayer and not listening to the wind. After we prayed we turned on the DVD found some good movies, popped popcorn, ate and laughed until the wee hours of the morning. We turned the TV loud enough to drown out the wind. The power eventually went out, but by the time it did we had already gone asleep. What could have been a nerve wrecking night turned into a fun family moment.

Some of you might be thinking with that much danger involved why did you stay in your house? Well if you’ve ever been through a mandatory county evacuation you know how bad that can be, and we did that before. We just decided if they did not call our section of the county as mandatory we would stay. It is truly more peaceful to be in familiar surroundings then out on the road with thousands of people trying to get to higher grounds. But that is another lesson about storms, sometimes you just stick it out.

So, we did not listen to the wind. Now relating that to the current financial crisis, there are a lot of frightening financial winds. They are blowing fiercely and strongly. They are slamming the mental ramparts of the mind trying to get in causing fear. No matter what happens to our economy God will be there for his people. Turn him up, like we did our television, and let the Holy Spirit muffle out the sound with words of comfort, words of peace and direction from the scriptures. There will be many that will lose a lot, but just like in a storm if you lose you rebuild. There will be many that will be afraid to invest again, don’t let fear control you. Be prepared to do what is best for your family, keep a strong mind and keep your faith in God. Above all things learn from the storm.

Add a comment October 27, 2008

Why Can’t I Feel God’s Presence In Church

Someone asked, why can’t I feel God’s presence in church? There are probably hundreds of answers to that question but perhaps this can help.

1. Do you feel that your church generally loves and accepts you? Sometimes the children of God can be cold, calloused, condeming, and judgemental. If you don’t feel warmth perhaps the presence of the Lord is not strong in that congregation because of that or that there is much sin in the camp. Many times you might have to visit other churches until you find one that fits.
2. Can you identify with the message taught or do you feel condemned or pressured when you go to church? If you are feeling condemned or pressured to perform, or to give, or any other thing that might hinder your spiritual growth. If you pray God promises to find you a pastor that has his heart. All pastors do not have God’s heart.
3. Do you condemn yourself and not feel worthy to go to church? Many people tie their own spiritual growth down because they feel so unworthy. This is a lie from the enemy. God bids us come just as we are and then let him diligently clean us up.
4. In your heart do you know God is leading you some place else but because you’ve been there for so long and are so comfortable there, you really don’t want to go? Sometimes God will close his presence to get you to move on to a higher spiritual feeding ground.

Also do realize that it is excellent to feel God’s presence in church but it is so much more wonderful to know that God is with you always whether you are in church or not. Ask him to increase your knowledge of his presence from day to day. But if he is leading you to another place, don’t be afraid to go. It just means he has so much more waiting for you. I truly believe that you should be happy in your place of worship and feel content. God bless you and I wish you much peace as you find your way.

Add a comment October 22, 2008

Sermon in the Storm (Part 1)

When my dear friend told me that her financial protfolio had dived 50% during the current US economic crisis I thought a preacher needs to give a word…

Over the next few weeks I will be providing encouragement to those facing great difficulty in our economy’s current financial storm. Since wee just went through a hurricane I see a lot of allegories that will offer hope from despair.

I was standing looking through the eight foot tall window at the top of the stairs in my home the day before the hurricane. That is one of my prayer windows. It is a place where I see God every day as he creates a new picture for my world. It is a beautiful window and provides a spectacular view of the glorious rising sun, birds soaring in flight, clouds painting pictures or the velvet blackness studded with dazzling stars. As I watched that particular day, the luminous clouds were approaching and the trees were practicing their bowing as they felt the ominous hurricane approaching. With 128 miles winds and unmeasurable gusts on the horizon, we were making the decision to leaave or stay I said Lord will my house be here tomorrow. Just as plain as if someone were speaking to me on phone he said, you will be standing right here and see the Big Dipper again. Then he said, look around you, remember the last storm everything you see was here before and is still standing. Look at the tree’s they are still here, isn’t your house stronger than a tree. With that comforting word from The Almighty we went out into the rain and boarded the house and prepared for the 13 hour seige.

The amazing thing about a storm is that it effects everybody. Some people said that Ike was as big as Texas destructively sweeping 750 miles across, whipping havoc across state lines. A friend had basement flooding from the storm as far away as Missouri. No one was exempt. Survival lied in preparation and prayer. Negleting either of those was eminent disaster. So here is my first sermon in the storm, get prepared, get on your knees and pray. If you don’t know God or have rejected him in the past now is a good time to get acquainted because this storm is just beginning and everybody is going to be impacted to some degree. America has planted a garden of greed and now it is harvest time. Just like Ike this storm can not be avoided. I believe that the severity of it will depend on how we humble ourselves before God as a nation and as a global community. People laughed at those gathering at the gas pumps to pray. But I have lived to see those prayers answered to the tune of $2.30 cents a gallon when we were paying almost double that a few weeks ago.

The first weapon that you must develop against the storm is NOT TO FEAR. You have to keep a clear head in order to be able to make sound economic decissions and be willing to adjust. Do not allow fear to immobilize you. Do what you have to do to shore up your finances. Hoping for a rebound may or may not happen.

The second critical item in storm preparation is to have essentials, prepared foods, water for bathing and drinking, some form of outside communications (battery powered radio, charged cell phones, etc.) and lighting be it candles, latterns or through generators and first aide supplies. The purpose of the essentials is to get you prepared to live with less. A storm will teach you very quickly what is truly necessary to survive. Start learning to live on less because if this financial storm worsens credit and lending will not be readily available, and banks can call loans at any time which will include mortgages. Don’t dare think banks are all that solvent. During our last storm I was standing in line at my bank when they locked the doors and told people to leave because they were out of money. I was three people from the end of the line and barely made it. My family lived through Enron, I know what instability in the market can do.

The last item that I will mention for this week is to board up. The purpose for boarding windows and doors is to reduce the likelyhood of a window blowing in or a hurling object crashing through. It is also to reduce the fierce wind from driving rain through your windows and doors which can cause flooding. What in your life needs boarding up. Many people will need to board up their emotions to keep from getting depressed as they lose their wealth in a day. Others will need to board up their children and teach them how survive when they are so used to having everything. Others will need to board up their careers being willing to find new employement or employing themselves if this crunch worsens.

This will be a time of global personal evaluation. Do not let the storm destroy you. Learn to ride out the storm. Tie into God for strength and it will be well with your soul.

Add a comment October 22, 2008

What Would Happen To My Wife If…

1. You loved her more
2. You thought about how your words affected her
3. You communicated more and were honest with kindness
4. You did not tease her or make jabs at anything personal like her weight but helped her instead
5. You stopped being demanding
6. You helped when she asked and when she did not
7. You took more of a role as a father and shifted some of her load with the kids
8. You took her out more often
9. You expressed how you felt about her daily in something that you did or said
10. You let her know that she is and will always be first in your life and that you would never cheat
11. You became more sensitive
12. You asked her what could you do to make her life better

Dedicated to all the men that wish their wives would change

Add a comment October 16, 2008

What Would Happen To My Husband If…

1. You loved him more
2.You treated him fairly
3.You listened to him and responded calmly
4. You respected him in front of others and in private
5. You prayed or blessed him everytime he left the house
6. You reduced or eliminated nagging
7. You gave him whatever he wanted (within logical reason)
8.You asked what would make intimacy better
9. You praised him for something good every day
10. You supported him
11. You built his self esteem
12. You supported his decissions (within logical reason)

Dedicated to all the women that wish their husband would change.

Add a comment October 16, 2008

What Will God Do If I Divorce?

Someone presented the question what will God do to me if I get a divorce? If you go to the Bible you will see that God will love you and he will help you get through it. He hates divorce because it is so destructive, but he never stops loving you. Once you cross that line you are going to need a lot of healing emotionally and so will your children. He will be right there through every tear and heartache. But before you cross that line have you done everything and I mean everything that you possibly can to restore the relationship and have you prayerfully asked his guidance during this rough spot. Give God a chance to heal the relationship before throwing it away. See my post Save Your Marriage in 3 Words and my About page for very helpful resources.

Add a comment October 15, 2008